Ink Stains

The Definition of….

As I sat unwinding and listening to some music after a hectic day at work, I opted for Fantasia’s recent album titled “Definition of…”, which by the way is super good. As cheesy as this sounds, this post was directly inspired by her track titled “When I met you”. On that track Fantasia thanked her ex and the things that she’d endure for if she hadn’t then she wouldn’t have such a deep appreciation for her current love. She sings “When I met you, I met me too” and I would be lying if I said that this song didn’t leave me cheesing in the weirdest way possible.

If you’re thinking that I’m about to write about a new lover who my ex has caused me to appreciate, then you’re wrong.
Instead, this is definitely a thank you post. Adding a twist to fantasia’s words, I’m saying because of “You” I found Me.

As time creeps by I realize that instead of taking time to take away the actual good from a situation, we spend days on end down and playing victim while using any and every opportunity to dog the person who hurt us. I’m Guilty! Shiiiit, I spent a year plus doing just that(The former, not the latter). It is almost as if there is some unspoken rule that states that we MUST grieve a lost in such a way, for if we react in any other way it would seem as if we don’t care. pfff

It’s crazy that if it had not been for some situations, I would not be the version of myself that I am today. I could still be the pessimistic, angry, low self esteem having person that I was. If it wasn’t for all of that, I would still be the sensitive cry baby to whom thick skin was nothing but a term but I have been DELIVERT!

I spent years masking my emotions with straight up anger and bitterness. I loved HARD, but it seems that this love was geared towards everything and everyone but myself.
If I had loved myself sufficiently, I would have never allowed myself to go through certain things more than once. But hindsight is 20/20 right?
I hurt so much at the hands of what people thought and said about me and so I threaded lightly in fear of how others may perceive my actions. The enemy tried to trick me out time after time after time and each time God held me tightly by the hand. Yet even then, I’d live with my eyes closed and for the approval of others. I have fought tirelessly and cried myself to sleep many nights, many times feeling ungrateful because I had life and many luxuries that some people prayed for, yet happiness wasn’t something that I was familiar with. Permanent fixes? I had many of those and wishing myself out of situations was my method of choice. It wasn’t until reality had hit me like a ton of bricks and I was forced to take things as face value that I had arrive at my breaking point. I didn’t chip, I didn’t crack, I was shattered and the wailing that escaped my mouth told a million truths. I cried like I had just gotten the beaten of my life but trust me when I say I’ve never cried like that again. In that moment I felt FREE!

I said all this to say, I’m not grateful for all of it. But I am indeed grateful for what I learned from it, regardless of the source. Because of it, I discovered who I am, what makes me all that I am and here I am today, still unraveling myself every step of the way and Oh what a beautiful journey it has been thus far!

-xo Curls ‘n Curves

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